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"He isn't a business genius, like me, he just accidentally it all"
- Emperor Alan Sugar on Jonathan Shenton
- Young Jonathan on where he lives
Jonathan Neil David Coulthard Hitler Satan David Coulthard Shenton, born 'Andriy Communistovic' in St Petersburg on 25th December 1923, is a Russian/English business entrepreneur and founder of the hugely successful Shenton & Hedges cigarette manufacturing company. His house, Shenton Manor, is the main building and centre of the rural town of Shenton in the United Kingdom of Mordor. He is now a hugely rich person who's business empire is always expanding, currently it has offices in Cambridge, Moscow, Cairo, Tatooine, Krakow, Moscow, Sarajevo and Moscow. It has been said that the sun never sets on Shenton's business empire, helped greatly by the fact that Tatooine has two suns.
He is notable for providing the building blocks for the cigarette manufacturing world. These include automating the manufacturing process at his Shenton manufacturing plant. He has discovered many new processes in the production of cigarettes and has hugely reduced the production cost of cigarettes. He is a very significant man in the cigarette business because he was the first man to create a cigarette production line and held the world record for the longest cigarette for over 30 years, at a staggering 500 metres and was held up by 20 different scaffolding points at a distance of 25 metres apart each. This was later broken by his bitter enemy Jean Charles de Menezez who managed to construct a 20 mile cigarette.
He also was the first man to attempt to get a dog to smoke, and succeded. The border collie, called Lassie, sadly died of lung problems 2 weeks later. The dog was greatly missed.
It is currently rumored that Shenton is in the process of purchasing Microsoft for an estimated £72bn. If this is successful then he is expected to add an extra £100,000,000 to his fortune every month.
Personal LifeEditOn 19th September 1985 he married Claire Braxton who lives with him in Shenton Manor, they met at Shenton & Hedges, she was his secretary back then and is now vice-president of the business.
It is thought that Shenton shares a fantastic relationship with Theodore 'T-Bag' Bagwell, who he shared a cell with when he was a prisoner of the law. Bagwell came to fame in the popular groundbreaking documentary, Prison Breaks on a Plane.
It is rumoured that he went to school with Samuel L Jackson and Malcolm X, but his mother made him leave at a young age because she was racially intolerant. After leaving school, he set up his own business, soon becoming very successful, and founded the worldwide corporation now known as Shenton and Hedges.
Shenton is an avid fan of the Dark Lord Sauron, since 1995 it has been reported that he has developed a fetish for Middle Earth Porn. With a collection that takes up an entire warehouse in his back garden.
Shenton went to Clayton Hall Business and Language College, and is the most famous person to have ever walked its floor.
Jonathan Shenton has done a lot of work for charities in the past, helping people who could not give up their cigarrette addiction. He offered tobacco free alternatives, such as Cannabis and LSD. Unfortunately, on 13th February 1975 he was arrested for drug trafficking, which resulted in imprisonment in HM Prison Stafford for 2 years. He was arrested alongside Frank "Dan Smith" Hedges, who was arrested for perverting the course of justice and aggravated assault on a police officer, who recieved a longer sentence of 10 years, in which his partner Borris Mehmedbasic filled in for him at Shenton & Hedges. Out of his £5,000,000 fortune he is giving a sizable amount of £500,000 to a variety of British charities as he feels the need to give something back to the country that he has inflicted lung cancer on.
Jonathan Shenton has a vast array of hobbies these include Black Tiger Kung Fu which he does with his business partner Frank "Dan Smith" Hedges. He also enjoys fishing on his private yacht the Le Grande Cigarette which he purchased in 2004. Also Jonathan enjoys listening to mid-80's rock music and the hugely popular Levell Crump. Another thing he enjoys is photography with his wife; they are very interested in nature and frequently take photographs of rare birds and spectacular landscapes. He is also a member of the league of cigarette manufacturers, which includes ruthless entrepreneur Davíd Hibbetés who is well known for creating the worlds first automated smoking machine.
Shenton also greatly enjoys wearing pink dresses and is often caught late on Wednesday mornings swimming The Thames in this outfit. It is also widely reported that he participates in the annual BME Pain Olympics, however Shenton has never verified this himself, even though his company sponsors the event.
Jonathan Shenton has also done some acting in his busy, busy life. He has featured as an extra in a number of films including Snakes on a Plane, Snapes on a Plane, Planes on a Snake and Harry Potter. Also he had a car jihaded on a recent episode of Jihad My Ride. It is heavily rumoured that a film based on his life is in production, possible staring Samuel L Jackson and Mr T in the leading roles of Shenton and Frank "Dan Smith" Hedges.
Andrew Lloyd Webber was amazed by Shenton's perverse acting in Harry Potter and recruited him for a musical entitled Beauty and the Beast. According to Andrew Lloyd Webber Shenton was had natural talent for his role as The Beast. Sadly Shenton had to give up his much loved acting career after his inprisionment at HM Prision Stafford. After his release he auditioned for Britian's Got Talent in an attempt to build on his previous success, but never made it through due to his machine gun of the audience technique. Many people lost their lives including former judge Graham Norton.
Jonathan Shenton greatly enjoys driving, he does this quite regularly racing at the local Shenton Circuit which is loosely based on the popular track Laguna Seca. He currently owns a Bugatti Veyron, a Ferrari Enzo, a crane, a Corvette SledgeHammer and an 1863 WagonMobile built in Zaire. Which he recieved as a gift from them for his services in the 1960's.
During the 70's he joined the PlainHair GP Formula 1 team, he completed in a total of 72 races between 1972 and 1976 and scored a total of 10 points. He scored all of these points in a single race, the 1973 Brazilian GP when almost all the other drivers were killed in a horrendous crash at Juncau. This was marked as a bad day on the F1 calendar for that year. In every other race he either crashed or his car would stall on the starting grid resulting in irreparable damage to the rear suspension wishbone. On one occasion in 1976 during a pitstop he drove over every member of his pit crew in a fit of anger which he later said was caused by them giving him the wrong tyres the previous stop.
David Coulthard cited him as the person he most admires and the one driver who really made him want to be a Formula 1 driver. Jonathan replied to this by telling Coulthard to, "Shut up, and go back to Haggisland, you square-headed freak". Coulthard is said to have been deeply upset by this, but he still loves Shenton.
In an attempt to diversify his career even further, Jonathan took a musical interest and released one studio album, called: 4 DA MUTHALAND. The album consisted of a wide variety of songs, from rap to techno to operatic rock. Mr Shenton cited his influences as: David Banner, Snoop Dogg, Luciano Pavarotti, Freddie Mercury and MC Jesus Christ
Track Listing - 4 DA MUTHALAND (1998)Edit
- 1. Introducing JS
- 2. MURDER
- 3. Men from Yemen
- 4. Insert Internet Meme
- 5. WagonMobile (ft Duffy)
- 6. I'm bored of recording
- 7. MUTHA RUSHA
- 8. Mother Russia
- 9. Mi Hare Iz Playn
- 10. 50NG WR1773N 1N 1337
- 11. 50NG WR1773N 1N 1337: Snoop Dogg Remix
- 12. Nearly the End (ft N-Dubz)
- 13. The End...
Uzbekistan Special EditionEdit
- 14. Men from Yemen - Jesus Edit
- 15. Good Morning Communists
- 16. 50NG WR1773N 1N 1337: Snoop Dogg Remix: Dizzee Rascal Remix II
10th Anniversary EditionEdit
- 17. Through the Pyre and the Grains
- 18. Stalin, Hitler, Mussolini
- 19. Numbah 19
- 20. The Final Straw
Although Shenton did produce many more great albums, no more were ever released due to their Jewish theme which was not approved of by Joseph Goebbels, his long lost half-brother, half-sister, with whom he shares a great relationship, despite their vastly differing political views.
Yo Bitches - I'm Back & BlackEdit
It was revealed in January of this year that Shenton's new album would be released in October 2011. Rumored collaborations include the legendary Scarface and Malcolm Q.
The album is expected to be of the rap genre and should boost Shenton's popularity in Africa, as a number of the tracks are rumored to talk about his motherland, or MuthaFucking Land as he prefers to call it.
It has now been revealed that the album will be available as a free download in June 2011.
The album was release on the 4th of July 2011, to coincide with the opening of his new Swaziland factory.
The below is the final track listing:
- 1. Whiteboy, Ima Smoke Yo Ass
- 2. Meet Me Somewhere
- 3. Gangsta Mofo ft. Levell Crump
- 4. Quit Callin Here
The new album differs greatly from his previous works as he tries to take on his new black image by going with straight up gangster rap. The album can be downloaded by clicking here.
It is thought that the secret ingredient in Shenton’s cigarettes is bleach, which has potential negative effects on the smoker.
A proud communist, largely down to his Russian roots, Shenton has publicly denounced Fascism on multiple occasions. However, some conspiracy theorists believe he secretly admires Fascists (particularly Nazis) as he has 'Hitler' as one of his new middle names.
Joseph Stalin did fear that Shenton supported the Nazi Party, so he sent him to a Gulag where he was tortured for many years. Some evil torture that Shenton was subject to was acid being thrown into his eyes. This resulted in prolonged visual impairment, hence the glasses. In 1940 Shenton managed to escape from the Gulag through a tunnel which was being used by Vin Diesel to smuggle drugs into the country. Vin Diesel was so impressed by Shenton's ability to escape from enemy hands that he thrashed him with a metal chain as a mark of respect. After this Shenton returned to Shenton, his home town, to continue producing his flavoured cigarettes which now contained asbestos, as well as bleach.
On more than one occasion Shenton has been falsely accused of rape and child molestation, he is also a close friend with Michael Jackson and this has led to these beliefs. A vital fact in understanding Shenton's reported obsession with molesting young boys is that as a child he was apparently raped and bady beaten by legendry pedophile Geoffrey Leonard.
An eye witness to one of the rapes was mysteriously gunned down by Special Agent Alexander Mahone in 1983. Mahone was possibly corrupt and working for a secretive business known locally as Ze Company.